Gilded Wings Read online

  Gilded Wings

  Coming Soon – Tainted Wings

  With love, to my beautiful children and wonderful fiancé, for their patience whilst Mummy writes her first Novel.

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Epilogue

  Prologue

  She had fallen. Fallen into the depths of despair.

  My beautiful Angel’s wings had been shattered into a thousand beautiful fragmented shards.

  I would protect her. I would repair her wings piece by piece, until finally she would be free to soar again.

  Chapter 1

  Apprehension paralyzed me. His gentle finger softly caressed my inner thigh. Methodically stroking further along towards my . . . I tensed instantly at his intimate attempt. My heart began to race. Quickening at every slight movement. Yearning to enjoy this sensation. The warmth of his warm slender fingers touching me everywhere. The feeling of intimacy between myself and the man I had loved for a little over three years. Wanting to lusting and desire; yet my head wanted other things. It wouldn't surrender the nagging conclusion that this felt anything other than wrong. My mind refused to relinquish my body. Irrational logic denying myself from indulging. Desire was a menial distant memory, pushed to the farthest quarters of my mind. Inexplicable doubt reared its ugly head at our impending intimacy. Every time. I was furious with myself and my body. The irrational refusal of my libido. I couldn't stop thinking. Analyzing. Over thinking. I knew what was coming and a lump hit my throat.

  "What is wrong with you?" he snapped. "Why won't you let me touch you?"

  The desperation of Henry needing to know why was all over his face. His eyes looked saddened, confused yet fiercely dark. I didn’t want to end up in an argument with him. I didn’t want to confirm to him the lack of desire I felt for him. I peered past him, not knowing what else to do. Not wanting to say the wrong thing. My mouth only ever seemed to make a situation worse. Any situation. I focused through the darkness of our bedroom and my eyes fixed to the ambient light of the moon. It looked so beautiful gleaming through our sash window, serene and tranquil against the midnight sky. An involuntary tear fell, rolling down my cheek onto my slightly parted lips. The salty taste only spurring on more tears. My heart. My head. My soul ached. It ached for the pain I knew I was inflicting on Henry. The hurt and confusion I knew he was writhed with. And selfishly for the inexplicable pain I was feeling.

  I wanted to speak. I wanted to tell him I loved him, but my words stayed sombre, circling repetitively around in my head like a merry-go round that would not stop. My head was filled with a mass of unanswered questions. Confusion consumed me.

  His beautiful green eyes gazed into mine. He looked lost and I had caused it. All of it. I shrugged my shoulders in an attempt to ease my silence, to try and make it more bearable. Gently his soft thumb reached up to wipe away the tears from my flushed skin. His lips silently pressed upon my forehead before he rolled onto his side to drift asleep.

  I lay back in bed sinking my head into my soft warm pillow. Wrapping the duvet around me hoping it would give me the reassurance and comfort I needed. I was deflated, wishing myself to stop pushing away the most perfect man in my life.

  I stared into the bleak darkness for what seemed like an eternity. I couldn't help but watch him sleep thinking how blessed I was to have such perfection lying next to me. He wanted to spend his life with me. He had chosen me, little old me. I needed to sort this out, but firstly I need to find out what this was.

  ***

  "Morning beautiful." I awoke to his charming smile beaming down at me. The touch of his hand brushing the side of my face was unnecessarily kind. Considering the lack of enthusiasm I showed for his touch last night. He placed a light but adoring kiss upon my lips. As he leaned back I couldn't help but smile.

  "I'm sorry" I whispered. I couldn't bare to look at him and rekindle the emotional pain from last night.

  "It's ok, maybe another night," he smirked and climbed out of bed.

  "Where are you going?" I asked eagerly as I reached across to the clock resting on my side table. 5.30am. My God. 5.30am, no one is meant to see this time of day. It was a Saturday and I was already bitterly unimpressed that I had to meet Henrys Mother for our brunch date. An additional two hours of sleep were well required if I wished to have any attempt at being coherent for her. That woman was positively abhorrent.

  "I need to collect something," he said with a wry grin. He tapped his nose and winked as he slipped on his faded Levi's. They hung perfectly off of his amazingly ripped physique. I couldn't help but admire. He was mine, all mine. Right at that moment my self-conscience felt the need to interrupt my thoughts with a 'your managing to fuck it up pretty well though'. I shook my head trying to release the iniquitous thought.

  I was going make this right. I will resolve these issues I have and Henry and I will be happy. That seemed practical enough. It had to be. Henry is all I know. What would I do without him? Who would I be without him? That was the more poignant question. Henry slid on his top and pecked me on the head.

  "I won't be long baby".

  I closed my eyes trying desperately to drift in to a peaceful sleep again. After fifteen minutes of tossing and turning I had surcome to the realization that I was not going to evoke any sleep now. I sat up in bed and flicked on the laptop to check my emails. Whilst the laptop was starting up I started to ponder what had actually happened last night. Again.

  How could I do it again? What the hell is wrong with me? I need to change. Starting from now. I knew I had to or I was going to lose the best thing in my life.

  I ran the hot tap to the shower and slid off my silk nightdress. It slid over my breasts, gliding past my hips, dropping to the floor. I stepped into the steaming hot shower and tried to wash away last night’s encounter from my mind.

  My daze of tranquillity was cut short by a repetitive knocking at the door. I shut off the shower. Grabbing my towel I wrapped it around my dripping wet body. I ran downstairs and opened the front door.

  "EVIE!!!" she practically screamed with excitement. I couldn't hold the grin from my face. Lucy had decided to spread her wings and go globetrotting. For the past twelve months I was impatiently waiting for the impending day that she flew back. It had been far too long without my best friend. I was giddy with excitement at her return.

  "Your back! When did you get back? I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow!" Lucy flung her arms around me. I went to hug her back but resisted the urge, deciding against dropping my towel and standing on my doorstep butt naked for my elderly neighbours to see. It would be the hot topic of the street and I was not in the mindset to be the point of discussion.

  "Hey Luce, give me a minute while I just throw some clothes on." I pointed her in the direction of the living room while I ran upstairs.

  Lucy and I had met in High school. She was flamboyant and confident. Her smile and personality was contagious. She could lift anyone’s spirits with her simple thoughtful analogies of any situation. Everyone loved Lucy. Girls tried to be her and boys wanted her. She was a picture of womanly precision. Her soft blonde curls of silk framed her golden tanned face. Her eyes were a sh
ade of warm sienna framed by the longest eyelashes I had ever seen.

  "Hurry Up Evie" she called from downstairs.

  My mind jolted back to reality. I slipped into my favourite pair of skinny jeans, which I have been informed by Lucy are my 'sexy ass jeans' and pulled on a cream t shirt. Simple.

  I flicked on the kettle and then Lucy looked at me with a wry grin on her face. "Go on then, give me all of the juicy details." I half smirked and rolled my eyes. There was only one reason Lucy ever had that twinkle in her eyes. A man. In the past two years there had been Tod, Mark, Melvin (yes Melvin), Danny, Tristian, and most recently Sam. Sam was the ultimate love of her life. Lucy had always been so coy with her feelings, always leaving them before she had a chance to leave her. Her mother had been on her fourth marriage because of this Lucy didn’t see love the way in which we all dream it possible, carriages, flowers, hearts and kisses. No Lucy didn’t believe in that; not until she met Sam. Sam was charming, handsome but very, very conceited. He left her after cheating on her for two months with his assistant. Lucy slipped into a routine of cry, eat, sleep. This went on for weeks until she decided she had enough. Lucy’s answer to this? – Fly half way across the world by yourself for twelve months and ignore reality. So that is exactly what she did.

  "He is amazing, oh Evie you should have been there, he is gorgeous, and well very fuckable, not that I have yet," she backtracked, "but soon, very soon, I don't know how much longer I can hold off from ripping his trousers from his sexy ass".

  I grimaced at the thought, "too much info Luce". She giggled at me. “So what’s his name? Where did you meet him?”

  “Well, it was so surreal, kinda like karma. I was in the hotel checking out and there he was in the queue for the coach to take us to the airport.” I could see her smile at the memory of first meeting him. She carried on, “So we were kinda making eyes at each other on the ride, but, there was no way I was making the first move. I am so over that. Anyways, I boarded the plane and there he was, sitting next to my seat. I must of triple checked the ticket for my seat number, it was mad.”

  “So.... what happened?”

  “Well he introduced himself. He is in some band and lives in Clapham, can you believe it, we couldn’t be any closer if we wanted, so we shared a cab back and I crashed at his last night. Can you believe it! We just made out and slept together, all night, just SLEPT.” She accentuated every letter of slept with precise definition.

  I loved seeing her happy. I just wish I felt a little more like she did. I wish I had that burning desire to pounce on Henry and make love the way we used too. My mind wandered to the stairs, the kitchen table, the . . .

  "Soooo" Lucy said looking at me and interrupting my erotic thoughts. She was obviously fishing for gossip with me and Henry.

  "We're fine, he is good, working loads, you know, the usual I suppose" I replied hesitantly.

  She looked concerned. She had seen it. My look of doubt. I myself doubted whether we were fine. She tilted her head to the side. Her face beautifully endearing.

  "Oh Evie, why do you look so down? Talk to me."

  I looked at her and without hesitation I let the words leave my lips.

  "I don't know what I want anymore." I had never admitted it out loud before, but I was confused and I was doubting our relationship. Logic told me I needed Henry but my heart urged me to reacquaint myself with reality and look at our relationship for what it was. I needed some sort of advice, or better still a slap round the face to wake me up from these incoherent thoughts. I hoped Lucy would be the one to shake me out of this rut. She was my subconscious. There were no lies between us. Ever.

  "We haven't, you know, had sex in two months." I continued, "It's not him, he, well, he tries, really tries, but, well I just, I just don't want to".

  "Oh Evie, why didn't you say something?" She looked at me with sincerity in her voice, pure concern for how I was feeling.

  "I don't know Luce, what was I meant to say? I don't know what I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it, I just don't know what to make of it." I paused. "I love him Luce, I just don't know if I'm you know, in love, I think I am, but. . . it’s just I don’t really want sex much." Tears started pour. I couldn't quite control myself. The overwhelming fear that I knew the inevitable and where these feeling would lead me scared me half to death. How could I not be in love with the vision of perfection that I had to call mine? Luce wrapped her arms around me and I sobbed a little harder.

  “It will all be ok, I promise." She whispered into my ear "is it because of...". Then the realization that she knew she shouldn't finish that sentence hit her and we just embraced. I did not want to bring up my past. Not now. Not ever.

  “Do you want sex?” What kind of question was that? Obviously not if I wasn’t in the mood with Henry, surely?

  “Well obviously not?”

  “No Evie, it’s not obvious, do you still get turned on? Have you, you know had BOB out lately?”

  I nearly spat out my tea, BOB, my good old battery operated boyfriend. Thinking about it, I had. Shit, I must be such a bitch. I chose to use BOB but not Henry.

  “Um, well ah,” I stuttered.

  Lucy cut me off with her hysterical fits of laughter. “Well at least you are not restricting yourself of an orgasm once in a while. God I don’t think I could go for more than a day without one.”

  “Urgh, your such a man Luce. I don’t know, I don’t get it? Why don’t I want to with Henry then? It just feels so awkward and wrong when he touches me.”

  “Perhaps you and Henry have some underlying issues?”

  “I just feel lost Luce, I have no job and I can't spend my days plodding around playing Suzy home-maker, it's not me." I sighed. "I have dreams, I have determination and I want to make something of my life for me. Not just to be labelled as Henry's gold-digging girlfriend."

  "Have you told him this is how you feel?"

  "Yes, he just feels it isn't suitable for me to be working when he earns 'a hefty fortune', as he puts it."

  Lucy twisted her nose up at my mocking tone of Henry's modest remark,

  "Exactly", I giggled. "How am I meant to try and be me when he wants’ me at home. In his eyes he is the man and I am the little woman that should not lift a finger".

  "Well just do something??"

  "Believe me, I have tried. I took an interview for the role of PA to a CEO of Skylex Enterprises. I got offered the job!" A sense of pride warmed me. "It was a good wage, fab benefits. When I told Henry he went ballistic, telling me I would end up fucking my new boss just like I did with him." I cringed at the memory of him speaking to me like that. Like I was a worthless piece of meat that dropped my panties for anyone. Anger started to boil inside of me and I could feel my face tensing.

  "What a jack ass", Lucy exclaimed.

  "I know".

  Things were not always like this. I had been with Henry since I was 19. From the moment I met him I felt that spark, the electricity that pulsed through my system. Leaving my heart pounding against my chest. The flutter of butterflies in my stomach. He was the only man that had ever made me feel like that.

  ***

  I had fallen into the Jewellery trade after dropping out of school at sixteen. I applied for a job at a small jeweller’s and worked as a sales assistant there full time for three years. I needed to earn money to help my mother to pay the bills. When she left her second husband; not my dad, we had to pull together all of our resources to survive. Retail sales did not evoke any passion from me but it helped us live. My heart was focused on creating but this would always be pushed to the back of my mind as there was no room for pointless dreams in the real world. Sensibility came first. My mother needed help and I would save her from the misery she left behind. I would never let her go back, there.

  I was in a dead end job until I met Daniel. He needed some help in his small Jewellery workshop. Tidying, cleaning, but it allowed me to delve into the world of creativity. Even if I were the one just cleaning around the sk
illed craftsmen. After a while as I showed more and more of an interest in his work he began to teach me small aspects of manufacturing jewellery. It was fascinating. Seeing the molten gold roll under the flame looking as pure as silk was mesmerizing. Daniel took me under his wing after telling me I had a natural talent for it. Funding my University courses. He was my savoir. After two years of training I had qualified from the London Guildhall University with City & Guilds in Diamond mounting and Diamond setting. I never wanted to leave Daniel. Working with him had been one of the most prestigious moments of my life. But as the recession hit, his business plummeted. I had never seen his look so deflated than the day he had to close his shop once and for all. He had never been one to feel sorry for himself, declaring “everything happens for a reason.” He used his motto in all instances, good or bad. That was the one thing I envied of Daniel, he looked at everything through the perspective of reason. I was not so naive in my perception of the world. In my head I could not for one moment believe my mother’s death was for a reason, for some greater good. Daniel had helped me gain an interview for a goldsmith position at Webber Jeweller’s. They were world renowned for their quality and skill and I was completely out of my depth. Daniel was insistent that I could do it and made me have the interview. When I left the interview it was surreal knowing that I had done it, I was starting at Webber Jeweller’s.

  It was 8am. My first day at my new job had just begun. I was only just getting out of my car. Oh God, late, on my first bloody day, well isn't this just fan-fucking-tastic. I grabbed all of my papers and pressed the fob to lock my car. I spun around and went running towards the lifts. Come on, come on, I was silently muttering.

  The bell rang to indicate the lift had arrived and the doors slid open. I leaped into the lift, but for some reason my left leg did not follow. I glanced down. Shit.

  “You have got to be friggin kidding me!" I exclaimed. I pulled, pulled a little harder, it was stuck. Not for one moment did my common sense remind me to slip my foot out of my shoe first, no of course that would have been far too simple and sensible. I was not going to let this conquer me. My heel was not going to stay wedged in the lift door. I was not going to get a bollocking for being late on my first day of work and I was not going to die of embarrassment.